joke thread anyone ???????

[jason]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

[jason]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[killerkat]

were you just clapping at your own jokes?

[jason]

hey how did you know

hey let me clap at one of your jokes

[jason]

[jason]

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.

Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

[killerkat]

you got it...


a sexy ass lady is drivin' a leaded,scapin' '58 olds...

a cop pulls her over,for speeding(alot), too low, and too loud...

a cop,as all do, asks her "what's your hurry,maam"


she says:" i'm late for work,officer".

cop says: "ohh really,so what do you do?"

she replies: "i'm a rectom Puller"

the cop,befuddled says:" a what???,well what the hell is that"

she explains:" wel officer see what i do,is lube up my fingers reaaally well,and start with a finger....than another...until i can get my whole arms in...then i stretch it about 6' long"

still befuddled the cop says:" well what in the HELL would you do with a 6 foot tall asshole?"


the sexy chick says:" Give him in a uniform,gun and a Badge"




ha!

[jason]

heh heh!! not to bad hears one


a guy walks into a bar and says

"owww"

get it?

[Spaceman Spiff]

Along those lines ^

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.

[Vitorro]

How do you tell if a blonde is full??

She has a runny nose

[jason]

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[jason]

How did the blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?
She said it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan.

Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."

Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that she had a twin sister?
She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror.

Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?
Her sister was using the toilet.

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself?
Acupuncture.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

What's a blonde's favorite color?
A light shade of clear.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in her cell with half a dozen bumps on her head?
She tried to hang herself with a bungee cord.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
She got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."

[jason]

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.

If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.

Some people have it, some don't

People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.

People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyway!

[jason]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

[Toe Cutter]

[jason]

holly fucking shit thats one fucking funny picture where does it come from

[Toe Cutter]

[Toe Cutter]

[Scar]

Why do you put a baby into the blender feet first??

So you can see all the crazy faces it makes.....

--------------

What kind of crazy faces does a baby make when you put it into a blender feet first?

How the fuck should I know I was too busy jerkin' off.

[Tequila Zaire]

Why do you put a baby into the blender feet first??

So you can see all the crazy faces it makes.....

--------------

What kind of crazy faces does a baby make when you put it into a blender feet first?

How the fuck should I know I was too busy jerkin' off.

You are one very twisted young lady...and I'm gonna be laughing over these for the rest of the night.

Thank you!

[jason]

what the hell is that doing in the thread that's a horrible thing to say SCAR
and i thought you were so hot "sigh" oh well.

[Tequila Zaire]

what the hell is that doing in the thread that's a horrible thing to say SCAR
and i thought you were so hot "sigh" oh well.

haha...you're kidding right?

Those were great jokes. I told the first one today and got a laugh out of it.

I wonder how it'd go over in front of an abortion clinic...

[malcolm]

this guy goes into a bar and sits down for a dirnk.
while drinking his beer, he notices a jar on the counter stuffed with hundreds and tens and twentys.
curious, the guy ass the bartender about it to which the bartender replies:
"well, it's a bet we got goin on here."
"whats the bet?" the guy asked.
"well,"the bartender eplied,"you gotta put atleast ten bucks down to do the bet. then you have to down a triple shot of pga, then you gotta go over to bubba there and knock him out with one hit...then you gotta go into the backroom there and pull out the last tooth of rover whose got rabies and then you gotta go across the street to the ministyr and fuck the head nun in the ass. you do all that and you get the money."

the guy pondered the bet for a moment then chickened out and had anothe rbeer.
a few hours and beers passing, the man finally slapt down his last ten, drowned the shot of pga,ran over to bubba(who was atleast two hundred pounds his better) and knocked him on his ass then ran off into the room with rover where howling and growling and barking coul be hear dfor several minutes before returning with a wild eyed look on his face and his clothes torn apart and bloody.
"alright!"the man exclaimed,

"now where's that one toothed nun?!"

[malcolm]

guy walks into a bar and notices it is a jungle themed bar. so much of a jungle themed bar that they in fact have a full grown elephant sitting in the corner crying his eyes out. approaching the bar for a drink, the guy notices the bartender looking abit down.
"what's wrong?" the guy asked.
"it's that damned elephant! he wont quit crying and it's losing business for us."
the man ordered his drink then pulled out his wallet.
"tell you what,"the man aid.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars I can ge that elephant to quit crying for ya no problem at all."
the bartender laughed,pulled a hundred out of the tip jar and accepted the challenge.
challenge accepted, the man wlaked over to the elephant and whispered into it's ear upon which the elephant started laughing furiusly.
returning to collect his bet money, the man was questioned by the bartender:"how'd you do that?"
to whic the man replied:"simple. I told him my dick was bigger than his"

a few weeks passed and the man returned to see the elephant woul not shut up. he just kept laughing and laughing and laughing. the bartender ,furious wiht man begged and pleaded for him to make the lephant stop laughing to which the man responded:
"tell you what, hows about you give me two hundred bucks this time and Ill have him back to crying his eyes out within seconds"
the bartnder grumbled some nasty things and handed the man two hundred dollars upon which the man walked over to face the elephant, did something and then returned ot the bar for a dirnk....the elephant balling like a baby.
"that's amazing!" said the bartender,"how did you do that?"
"remember how a few weeks ago i told the elephant my dick was bigger than his?"
th man asked.
"well i showed him it was."

[malcolm]

guy goes inot the bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
"woah there,buddy!"the bartender said"you can't bring a monkey into this bar"
nonsense!" the man replied."he's a trained monkey and he's just gonna sit up on my shouler nice and quite. noone will even notice him"
the bartnder shrugged and sighed and asked what the man woul drink upon which the man ordered a beer.
But once the beer mug hit the bar, the monkey went nuts, running aorund the bar, knocking over bottles and glasses.
furious, the bartender ordered the man to leave.

a few weeks passed and the man returned, monkey and all
"hold on a minute!"said the bartender,"that damn monkey caused us a lot of trouble last time."
"i konw"said the man" but he was punished for it and has learned his lessona dn will not do it again, I promise."
the bartender again reluctantly accepted and asked the man what he would have upon which the man again replied a beer. and again, as the beer hit the bar, the monkey went haywire and began runnig around, knocking over bottles and mugs and then jumped over to a billiard table and swalloed the cue ball whole.
furious for being dooped twice now, the bartender personally escorted the man outside wher ehe was told not to come back.

a month or two passed ans the man returned yet again with th emonkey
"now look here mister."the bartender growled.
"that monkey ha dbetter behave this time Or Im gonna make sure you two never come back to this bar again, you got me?"
"I understand."the man replied wiht a tone of apathy.
the bartender did not even ask what the man woul have and gave him a watered down beer. but as soon as the beer hit the bar, the monkey jumped off yet again and ran amuck across the bar, knocking ove rbottles and mugs and then diving into the pickle jar whipped out a pickle,shoved it up his ass and then ate it swiftly.
"that's disgusitng!" said the bartender to what he just saw
"yeh."the man replied"but after the cueball incident,he has to size check what he eats first."

[malcolm]

Q.)what do you call two hundred lawyers at the bottom fo the ocean?
A.)a good start

Q.)whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A.)a prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

[Toe Cutter]

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS.

[malcolm]

chinese joke:
Q.)what do you call an american with a phd in mathematics?
a.)stupid american!

[malcolm]

Q.}what do you tell someone who has two blackeyes?
A.}nothing. they've already been told twice.

[malcolm]

Q.}whay are smurfs blue?
A.}well, if you were two inches tall and had only one chck in your village who didnt want any form anyone-you'de be blue all over too.

[malcolm]

Q.}what did jeffrey dahmer say to lorena bobbit?
A.}you gonna eat that?

[malcolm]

Q.}why did micheal jackson go to see north country?
A.}he heard it was movie about fondling miners.

[Scar]

haha...you're kidding right?

Those were great jokes. I told the first one today and got a laugh out of it.

Thanks Tequila! I knew I'd get shit for that one, my co-worker told it to me and dared me to put it up :-) I am a firm believer that the best jokes are tasteless. Really now who cares why the fucking chicken crossed the street?

[suicidal_tendencies]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated
there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you're doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this
restaurant going to help that situation?"

Another businessman replies, "Because menu say, first come first
served."

[suicidal_tendencies]

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a standstill in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.

As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

[suicidal_tendencies]

A Guy And A Girl Meet At A Bar. They Get Along So Well That They Decide To Go To The Girl's Place.

A Few Drinks Later, The Guy Takes Off His Shirt And Then Washes His Hands. He Then Takes Off His Trousers And Washes His Hands Again.

The Girl Has Been Watching Him And Says, "you Must Be A Dentist."

The Guy, Surprised, Says, "yes,...how Did You Figure That Out?"

"easy", She Replied, "you Keep Washing Your Hands."

One Thing Led To Another, And They Make Love. After They Are Done, The Girl Says, "you Must Be A Good Dentist."

The Guy, Now With A Boosted Ego, Says, "sure, I Am A Good Dentist. How Did You Figure That Out?"

The Girl Replies...."i Didn't Feel A Thing."

[cheinara wraithwalker]

I've used this one already on here, but what the hell. No one kill me.

What's the difference between cottage cheese and a dead baby?

You can't use cottage cheese as a dildo.

[the_darkness_calls]

I've used this one already on here, but what the hell. No one kill me.

but y'know, you can never have too may dead baby jokes

[VoldtaEngler]

[QUOTE=Scar]I am a firm believer that the best jokes are tasteless. QUOTE]
Q): How do you make a little boy cry twice?
A) : Get blood on his teddybear

[Toe Cutter]

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A: The chick in my trunk!