If a friend is being abused by his or her lover . . .

[Amelia G]

If a friend has a really terrible new boyfriend or girlfriend, how do you handle it? Like if you know your friend is being beaten or isolated or pushed into drug abuse or used for money or connections or pressured into turning tricks or told they are fat and ugly or bald and poorly endowed etc. and no one else would ever want them, all the goodies that baddies do . . . what do you do for your friend?

[Pull~My~Hair]

my sister was in a relationship like that...she couldnt see her family and blah blah blah....anyhow she came to visit about three months ago and she told me that her husband was giving her a drugtest when she got back and he was kicking her out if he found out she did anything...so I smoked a bowl with her...then when he asked her if she was doing anything she said yeah...now she is living here and doing much better. They were living in a trailor in the middle of nowhere with no plumbing or electricity and she wasnt allowed to leave. He wouldnt get a job and wouldnt let her work. She is bipolar...so she doesnt have the best desicion making skills....she has the mind of a 14 year old. and shes 30. he wouldnt take her to the doctor or get her medicine. He liked having control over her...hes a creep. But I got my sister back at least

[Morning Glory]

talk to them is all you can really do, if they want help, then work with them to help. I wouldn't advise confronting thier bully (that's the only proper relationship I can think of since someone like that is in no way a lover or a partner.) they most likely won't listen to you and may escalate their violence as a result. if that person comes to you asking for help then by all means you should try and help them and not just talk them down as they are most likely someone that has a lot of deep personal pain and that will just encourage them to lash out more. if both parties agree to try and work things out I would recomend they spend a period of time apart and working things out on their own before they attempt to do it together.

i really don't have much experience in this, so you should talk to someone at a women's center or domestic violence clinic, or someone along those lines to get more advice about what to do. as a last resort you may have to get the police and CPS and other agencies where it applies involved, but as we all know they aren't exactly the prime example of not using force against other people, in fact pretty much the opposite, so they won't really help the problem and I'd only recomend resorting to that to prevent someone from being immediatly physically harmed.

[Flip]

id help my friend as best i could

[One Eyed Cat]

If a friend has a really terrible new boyfriend or girlfriend, how do you handle it? Like if you know your friend is being beaten or isolated or pushed into drug abuse or used for money or connections or pressured into turning tricks or told they are fat and ugly or bald and poorly endowed etc. and no one else would ever want them, all the goodies that baddies do . . . what do you do for your friend?

I believe your friend has deeper issues in this instance. He/she would appear to be seeking out pain (and finding it). This relationship should be terminated. Then, you can help your friend with the core issues (which would seem to be one of self-perception)

OEC

[HeadlessBill]

A friend of mine back in college was being emotionally abused by one of her boyfriends. This is the somewhat shortened version of what happened.

Since our first day on campus as freshman, when we first met, Kim and I always had lunch together everyday. At the beginning of our third year there, she met and started dating some guy I never met. During one of our lunches soon after, she was rather quiet and depressed (normally, she is a very effervescent person). When I asked what the problem was, she told me that her new borfriend told her I was putting their relationship in jeopardy and she needed to stop having lunch with me. I asked if I could have the opportunity to meet him and let him know that she and I were only friends and I wasn't going to interfere with their relationship. Apparently, she made this suggestion to him during their 'discussion', but he told her that either she stop having lunch with me or their relationship was off.

Unfotunately, I never say Kim again until finals at the end of the spring semester. By that time she had gained a bit of weight and she looked very sad. I called out her name. She looked at me, and I saw a grief glimpse of happiness when she saw me, but that quickly went away. She turned away from me and said she couldn't talk. I grabbed her arm and asked her what was wrong. She pulled away from me and ran into a nearby building. I chased her down and cornered her in a stairwell. Tears were streaming down her face and she was telling me to go away. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but for some odd reason, I just wiped the tears from her face, said "If someone truly loves you, they won't try and change you." turned around and walked away.

During the summer, I received a 'Thank You' card from her with a note that only said "You saved my life."

The following fall semester, we started having lunches again, and she was definitely back to her normal self. But, it took her about two months to tell me what the card was about. Apparently, the situation with her boyfriend had gotten much worse and he had emotionally abused her and manipulated her to the point that she was starting to feel that suicide was the only way out of the relationship. By confronting her for that brief moment, I had apparently given her the strength to confront him and breakoff the relationship with him.

[Vitorro]

Ive been in a situation with a good friend whos husband at the time was out right beating the living snot out of her in plain view of people to see. I ran down the stairs and with a neighbor, we pulled him off and tried to get him to leave. He had been drinking and thought He was Superman or something cause He took swings at both of us guys, and we werent as big as he was, but He fell to the ground and has the snot beat out of him before the cops arrived. since they lived on the top floor of the apartments they lived in, the cops agreed with the story that when she ran out and down the stairs, he was so drunk that he fell down them( of course I think the cops knew what really happened, but didnt care a bit about His side of things since she had one eye socket blown and everyone said why it was that way). so yea, if I see a person getting the crap beat out of them, Hell yea, Ill do My part to get them off. as for belittling someone, Ive dealt with that my whole life and overcame it being blind in one eye, and a bit overweight as a kid, I was ridiculled throughout elementary and junior high, till the day it all came to the boiling point with one kid teasing me till I snapped, grabed him by the throat and threw him against the wall for everyone to see. no one bothered Me after that

[keiko]

The best you can do in most situations like that is be there for them and try to negate the worst of the damage with positive reinforcement and nudging them to drop the fucker. If it get serious, the best thing to do is help them file charges against the bad guy and give them a place to stay when they need it.
K

[DARKGYM]

I agree that talking to them, being supportive, and nudging them to change their situation is the best thing to do. But if I'm there and they're getting beaten silly and are pretty much helpless to defend themselves, I've got no problem going to town on the fucker.

[MistressJennifer]

If a friend has a really terrible new boyfriend or girlfriend, how do you handle it? Like if you know your friend is being beaten or isolated or pushed into drug abuse or used for money or connections or pressured into turning tricks or told they are fat and ugly or bald and poorly endowed etc. and no one else would ever want them, all the goodies that baddies do . . . what do you do for your friend?

Gee Amelia! Drug addicts, abusive boyfriends... Who are you hanging out with lately, all my ex boyfriends?

[TheDeathKnight]

She's trying to win her own contest...

[TheDeathKnight]

But on the topic at hand...

I have been in a situation like that, and getting involved just made the boyfriend want to kick my ass. The guy will not want anyone to mess with his control over the woman. The best thing you can do, is keep telling the person being abused, that they have control over their life. That they can change things if they want to. And that you will be there for them if they ever decide to leave the situation. They have to be the ones to get out. It's a lot like the addiction scenario. It has to get bad enough that they really want to leave. And the best thing you can do to help them, is to let them know that it won't be that bad when they leave. That anything will be better. Being alone is better than being miserable. If you can help them see these things, then maybe they will make the right decision at some point. But if you get directly involved, expect some conflict from the situation.

[Evilbink]

Been there , and all I can do is tell you what I did. First off..every situation is different so my approach may not be the best in all cases.

I went to my friends house where she had some jack off "bf" living with her. And I gave him a choice..leave her or I would pay him a "visit". Three days later, he was still there, so I went over, broke both his knees and knocked out most of his front teeth, sending him to the hospital. To my suprise, he didn't come back for his stuff, nor did she hear from him again.

Did it work? yes Was it the right thing to do? time will tell.

[MistressJennifer]

Well this is strange because on one hand, sometimes the abuse is playful and fun, but when it becomes part of everyday life and really becomes destructive instead of "fun S & M stuff", then, it is not good.

But I don't think you can stop relationships, people get co-dependent. It takes sometimes a real life threatening event to pry them away from these co-dependent relationships.

You can't stop them. I mean, you can try, but you don't want to get sucked into the negativity...

[TheDeathKnight]

See, the problem is that the co-dependent person will come to you, and tell you how much they hate that person, and how miserable they are, and they *want* help. So you want to help them. But they never leave. They just forgive, and come back, and get some more abuse. Then they want to complain about it again. So I tend to just tell them it is up to them. If they want to leave, they should leave. But if they stay in a miserable situation, then it's their choice. Don't complain about it. It's very simple. Leave. Then you don't have to be miserable. But I get really sick of people complaining about it, when all they have to do is leave. I made the mistake once of trying to help. And ended up wasting a lot of time dealing with drama that I would rather not have dealt with. Although I do like EvilBink's method...

[Sex_Kitten]

I used to be in that situitation growing up. I would get beat the hell out of, for completely nothing. My dad,was the one that did it.My mom and I were ragdolls all the time. But in this case, he didn't do drugs no did he drink. So he was completely conscious of what he was doing, he just didn't give a shit. I would get the shit knocked out of me for no reason. He was also controlling. I used to grow up, walking on pins and needles. He was a truck driver, so he was gone at all hours of the day and night. Whenever we were home (meaning my little brother,sister, mom and I) we couldn't laugh, couldn't smile, couldn't joke around like most kids did. We never went out to do anything, it was go here and come straight back. Then my mom finally divorced his sorry ass, so it's slowly getting better.

The problem with living and being with an abusive person, it's quite hard to admit to yourself that you're getting abused. The abuse doesn't stop, and it won't stop until you (on in this case the person who's getting abused) do something about it. Granted, it's not always easy, most of the time it's a hard thing to let go. Growing up in it, like I did....It fucks up you mentally and physically. It's not something that you can easily get yourself out of. Gradually slipping away from it is the thing to do. Don't just pack up and leave suddenly, they'll just hunt you down, and beat you harder for leaving. Trust me!! I know what I'm talking about when I say that, remember, I'm speaking from prior experience.Just take some things and move them somewhere else, but do it slowly, until there's nothing left of yours there, then you can leave.

[Morning Glory]

Been there , and all I can do is tell you what I did. First off..every situation is different so my approach may not be the best in all cases.

I went to my friends house where she had some jack off "bf" living with her. And I gave him a choice..leave her or I would pay him a "visit". Three days later, he was still there, so I went over, broke both his knees and knocked out most of his front teeth, sending him to the hospital. To my suprise, he didn't come back for his stuff, nor did she hear from him again.

Did it work? yes Was it the right thing to do? time will tell.

I don't see the difference between you beating up someone and them beating up someone else. or do you jusify it because you were beating up someone for beating up someone? in which case it would make it ok for someone else to beat you up for it.
it really doesn't solve anything, other then maybe getting that guy to try harder next time to find someone that he knows will be an easier target and then without having anyone to stop him, wail on them twice as hard. you call that heroic?

[TheDeathKnight]

It's different if you are defending someone.

It's only wrong if you are getting off on it.

If you saw your mother, or sister, or good friend, being beaten and rap*d,
would you kill the person doing it? Or beat the shit out of them?
Probably.
And you would probably be emotional about it.
But you would not be doing it just to kick someone's ass, or to feel good about yourself.
You would just be doing what needed to be done, to defend someone who is not able
to defend themselves.

I have little sympathy for bullies, and if someone is bullying someone else,
I think it's just fine to give them a taste of their own medicine, so they learn
that there are consequences to their actions. People get away with way too
much shit these days. Too many idiotic children raised with no discipline.
Sooner or later they have to learn that they can't get away with shit like that.

That girl you are beating on, will eventually shoot you, or her new boyfriend will,
or her friend may come kick your ass. That's the lesson I'd like those people to
learn, before they get out of hand... That there actually are people like EvilBink
who will do something about it... And I give him a good pat on the back for it...

[evilassmaster]

you beat all the teeth out of the boyfriend... of course, you put a mask on before you do that in case he knows you.