i really need your help

[suicidal_tendencies]

i have a boyfriend. we've been together for over a year. i love him more than anything.we have a daughter together and everything. but lately, all i can think about is my EX. when my current guy and I "took a break" i went out with this guy, dave. and all i can think about lately, is him! i really dont know whats wrong with me? i just keep wondering what would hvae happened between us and then dreaming about it. LOL. anyways, maybe you could help me understand why i keep having these thoughts?

[CorporateGoth]

Its not unusual to have feelings for ex's, but theres way too many questions left unanswered here to even attempt any kind of explination. Why did you and "Dave" break it off to begin with? Why did you and your BF "take a break" Do you really want to be with your BF, or are you together because of the baby? A lot of times, a strong physical attraction can be the reason, even if two people are not really compatible.

[TheDeathKnight]

People expect to have almost fairytale, inhuman love.
They think that if they are with someone, and are happy,
and married, and have a child, and love that person,
that they will only love that one person, and never be attracted to anyone else...

Well, that's great if it works out that way.

But a large number of people end up cheating, etc.

Why?

Because if you are with the same person for years and years, the magic often fades.
You may still know you love him, and want to be with him.

But that is conquered territory.
Nothing new or exciting.
The same person, day in, day out.
Same looks, same sex, same activities, etc...

So obviously it is natural to wonder what it would be like with your ex,
or with someone new. It's something new, or something unknown.
What you have with your current relationship, is always the same...
What you have to do, is decide if you want to go explore new things,
or if doing so will cause you to lose something good. Many times
the *new* thing, or the *exciting* thing, does not turn out to be
the best choice. So if you have something that works, I would not
want to lose it. But at least realize that your feelings are normal.

It's natural to be curious about what it might be like with someone else.

Especially if you've been with the same person for a long time.

[Shadow]

i have a boyfriend. we've been together for over a year. i love him more than anything.we have a daughter together and everything. but lately, all i can think about is my EX. when my current guy and I "took a break" i went out with this guy, dave. and all i can think about lately, is him! i really dont know whats wrong with me? i just keep wondering what would hvae happened between us and then dreaming about it. LOL. anyways, maybe you could help me understand why i keep having these thoughts?

love has not limets remember that things happen just go with it things will work out in the end

[franziska]

I agree with Shadow... but also a little with Corporate Goth and Death Knight. It's sort of tedious after a while. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, and sometimes I think about other guys, but I know it's nothing serious, I'm very much in love with my boyfriend.
See, there's a difference between loving and being IN love. Maybe you two should go out on a date or do something romantic... you know, mix it up a little.
If you really feel serious about Dave though, see how it goes. If you still have feelings after a month, talk to your boyfriend, and see how he feels. He might be feeling the same way.

[suicidal_tendencies]

see thats the thing i love jeff, i really truly do and it makes me mad that i think about dave, but god i cant help it. he was my best friend for the longest time. i dont want to mess things up with jeff. i want to be with him forever, he makes me feel safe. nobody has ever made feel that way. i feel something for him i could never for no one else

[Mirren]

see thats the thing i love jeff, i really truly do and it makes me mad that i think about dave, but god i cant help it. he was my best friend for the longest time. i dont want to mess things up with jeff. i want to be with him forever, he makes me feel safe. nobody has ever made feel that way. i feel something for him i could never for no one else

You said it yourself..Jeff makes you feel safe, and we all need that at one time or another. Feeling for another person in your mind is a lot different than acting it out. If you try to do anything or even see Dave, would Jeff would be disappointed in you or would he understand? I am just wondering if it is even an option for you to see Dave. Don't do it behind Jeff's back, that is for certain. Maybe if you spoke with him (Dave) you may be able to clear up some of these things you are feeling about him. Unanswered questions bother me.The last thing you want is to make Jeff think you still have feelings for Dave, trust me on this. You don't need anymore stress in your existence right now. I don't know why thinking about another person is causing you such guilt though. You have to realize it's natural. You aren't going out and meeting with him or being with him, it's strictly a fantasy or speculation at this point on what might have been. Only you would be able to take it further if you chose to do so, but for now it is harmless in my opinion. The thoughts of an ex to me is normal, unless all day long all you do is dwell on that person, then it's not healthy.

[suicidal_tendencies]

i feel like im a way im like cheating. i KNOW i would never do it. but it just really pisses me off that i still think about it. ill never get the chance to ask dave about it cause he moved 200 miles away and hasnt been over in months

[Morning Glory]

well maybe that's a good thing? I think that's a good sign that dave was able to move on with his life and moving away is a sign of a fresh start, and you have your life with jeff, so I think it was kind of meant to be that way. everyone has the one that got away, even if the one that stayed is better. it's not wrong for you to think about dave though, that was a part of your life and it made you who you are today. I don't know very much about the situation, but it seems to me that you were able to work out whatever problem you had with jeff, and you got back togther with him, so I think you made the right choice.

[sheramil]

anyways, maybe you could help me understand why i keep having these thoughts?

let's get mechanistic, here: chemical imprinting.

you know how, when a duckling hatches out of its egg, the first thing it sees, the duckling decides that's its mother? imprinting is something evolution uses to make sure organisms remember important stuff.

it's generally accepted that humans do it, too. bonding with a partner is one of the most powerful imprints a person can form. it works on a number of cues; visual appeal, scent, touch and (this is veering into the realm of the theoretical here) taste.

not so much how your partner tastes, but what kind of bacterial colonies their mouths support. this reflects the state of their immune system; if you find someone whose immune system would go well with yours when you produce children, the brain kicks in and says "go for it." this is why you can go to a party, kiss several different people and think nothing off it until you remember that most of the people there had swabbed their mouths out with booze. and if you happened to kiss someone who hadn't been drinking... and you hadn't either... there's a good chance that old firecracker will go off in your head and you're in love.

why do you think people fall in love with partners who are completely unsuitable, personalitywise? the chemistry is stronger.

"I wouldn't bother
If it were all in the mind
It's in the body
and the body still knows best."
- Shriekback

... unfortunately, this doesn't help you. imprints are like dents in a new car; you can always see where the repair was made.