Last week I had the curious privilege of seeing Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge on the big screen at the posh Orphium Theater in downtown Los Angeles. For those of you who don’t know Pirates 2 is the biggest budget adult movie ever made. Produced by Digital Playground and directed by Joone it features a cast of A list adult talent and a bevy of Hercules: The legendary journeys grade special effects. I was a guest at the premier because I and my girlfriend Kitty were extras in the movie. Being an extra in the biggest budget adult film ever made is kind of a strange honor and a little bit surreal. I had this opportunity because a good friend of mine was the assistant casting director on the film who one afternoon sent me a text out of the blue asking; “Do you have any pirate gear?” Of course I did. He wanted to know if I wanted to make a few bucks and be in a movie, so of course I said yes. He told me after I agreed what I had signed up for which only made me more stoked. The first day I was on set I was crazy. I had driven up from San Diego to Van Nuys for filming kitted out with my pirate gear and when I showed up was told that they needed 18th century-ish British Sailors. I’m fine with changing what I’m wearing but at the time my hair was two tone black and platinum and my nails were half an inch black acrylics which sent the costume director into fits. After I was hatted and be gloved (I think I just verbed two nouns) I was sent in to the set for filming. The set was absolutely the best thing ever. It was a life size mock up of a pirate ship up on scaffolding in this huge green screened sound stage. I then spent the next few hours driving the boat through a storm on the opening scene. Look in the background between the bishop and the young man. That fuzzy back of head? That’s me! That young man awkwardly asked me if I was one of the people who would be “taking their clothes off.”

I wound up briefly meeting Katsuni who was pleasant and Evan Stone who wasn’t actually filming that day but had come to play pranks and get into mischief.

Later in the filming I went up with Kitty as the scene we would be filming that day called for female extras for the crowd in the Pit fight with the giant slug thing. You can see kitty and I pretty clearly for a few seconds in this scene. Can you guess which one I am? This day was a tough one for me as my two favorite adult entertainers; Belladonna and Sasha Grey were on set together and in the scene with us. Both of these ladies are absolutely adorable and Belladonna was smart and fun. Unsurprisingly Kitty and Belladonna hit it off during the filming with light flirting back and forth. Later one of the male actors was flirting with Kitty and lifted her skirt and was so impressed with what he saw that he called Belladonna over to inspect. Belladonna told my girlfriend “You have a beautiful Ass and Vagina; you should join my porn family.” To which my girlfriend said no. I didn’t really catch much of what happened after that as I was too stunned to take anything in. My girlfriend said no to Belladonna. I’m still not sure I’ve forgiven her.

So filming is over. I’ve been on set several days and in front of the camera a fair amount and made enough money to make the excuse to come to LA more than worthwhile.

A few months pass and I get an email from Digital Playground inviting myself, Kitty and two guests to the premier. I call up my friend the Assistant Casting director to find out what his plans for the evening are. Turns out that he is renting a party bus which he’ll be taking from Long Beach to Downtown and he asks if we’d like to join. Something in the back of my mind tells me that this is a horrible idea but I go along with it anyway. My friends and I drive up to Long Beach and hop on the Party Bus which was supposedly stocked with alcohol only to find a half a liter of Popovs and 6 coronas. I start to get a bad feeling. The other guests pile on and it’s 18 guys and 3 girls. I’ve got a really bad feeling. One of the guests asks if we can detour into Hollywood at 7 o’clock on a Saturday night to pick a “Hot” girl up. I have a Star Wars scale C-threepeo flying into the Deathstar bad feeling. We get to the Orphium at 9:30. Showing starts at 9:30. We get in have no time to socialize and have to find seats almost immediately. Happily I ran into the assistant Physical Special Fx artist from film who happens to be a cute redhead to whom I am attracted. I find seats for my group which now includes redhead and a date that she is less than pleased with and we sit through the movie.

This was my second experience watching Porn on the big screen. It’s been really weird both times. The first time was “Lollypop Girls In: Hard Candy in 3-D” complete with John Holmes in your face 3-d moneyshot. This time I’m in the fucking movie, which was pretty good by the standards by which you judge adult content. The sets were cool, the dialogue funny, the acting actually pretty freaking good, and the special effects were hokey in a fun way. The only thing I had a problem with was the amateur Foley effects, and the horrendous editing of the sex scenes. It was also weird to be watching porn and have it be inappropriate to masturbate or fuck. It was like going to a buffet and watching other people eat while you’re hungry.

So the movie is over and credits roll and there’s Joel Awesome (thanks Amelia for the lamest Porn name ever) and Ashley Fields (Kitty used her real name for some reason). Seeing my name in the credits was a surprisingly big thrill. It was the first time I’d ever seen my name on the big screen. Ok, the silly name Amelia gave me, but still it was cool.

So the movie is over and we mill around in the lobby for a bit trying to figure out what were doing. I’m keeping an eye out for the talent because I’m now working for a San Diego based Halloween Prop and Sex toy maker. One of the products we’re developing is a life sized sex doll that utilizes technology to make exact replicas of people and my boss wants me to pitch being scanned to the girls. My girlfriend meets Jenna Haze and flirts with her for awhile and secures us an invite to the afterparty at an upscale LA club a few blocks away. My plan is to start the dialogue on licensed products at the afterparty.

We pile into the party bus and somehow the driver manages to get us lost for 20 minutes when we were only going 4 blocks. It was downhill from there. Apparently the party bus was only reserved for 6 hours, which put our Times-Up at 1:45 am. We arrive at the afterparty at 1:00 am. We were all told by someone onboard that we had the bus all night.

My friend Elvis (everyone should have a friend called Elvis) has some pull in the LA bar scene and scored us a 10 seat table with two bottles -for free- that we wound up not getting to use because we had to leave as soon as it was ready for us.

I had already started the ball rolling on the introductions to the girls from running into Ron Jeremy who at a previous party had fallen asleep on my shoulder (long story). THEN some idiot drunk somehow managed to drive his car through the gate in front of the club, and when he realized that he was driving in a walkway gunned it into the velvet ropes and tried to drive away down a blind alley. He clipped two of my friends with his bumper (no real injury) and was then caught and cuffed by security. The Owner of the club comes out and offers us more free drinks and better accommodations than what we’ve already got as an apology just as we find out that we’ve got to go. This would have been fine if the return destination hadn’t been in Long Beach. It took about an hour for us to get back to our vehicles and by then we were too exhausted and irritated to contemplate going back for more. Lesson learned. Do not take a party bus unless you are going from somewhere fun, to somewhere fun, and back again and make sure you have it rented for the entire time you might want it, not just the time you need it.

It was a fantastic experience and I hope that I have many more opportunities to do more crazy shit like it and Belladonna if you’re reading this, I’ll happily join your porn family.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End — I’m going to count the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy which came out in 2003, 2006, and 2007 as all one entry in the pantheon of greatest pirate flicks of all time. I think most modern pirate enthusiasts like them some swaggering Johnny Depp. Costumer Penny Rose was nominated for numerous awards and won a Saturn Award from the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films, so I think it is fair to say that Pirates of the Caribbean is the biggest influence on current scurvy costuming for events such as tomorrow’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

2. Pirates of Penzance — Next up is the Pirates of Penzance, although it is hard to pick which version. Leap Day plays an important part in this story and Leap Day has been important in my personal life. Plus I think I first learned about pirates when I saw a live production of the Gilbert & Sullivan production in Manhattan. I consulted with my father on which movie version is best because, at summer camp as a kid, he played the part of the boy whose half-deaf nursemaid accidentally apprentices him to a pirate when she is supposed to send him off to learn the pilot trade. Pirate, pilot, anyone could make that mistake. Gilbert & Sullivan operettas are of course intended to be funny, but the D’Oyly Carte G&S company played the roles straight and just allowed the humor of the situation come through. There was also a more recent version featuring Kevin Kline, Linda Rondstadt, and Angela Lansbury. You can go to your Netflix queue and try both the Kline version (either 1980 or 1983) which is played more broadly for laughs and the 1982 version featuring an international cast of Broadway singers, comedians and artists from D’Oyly Carte.

3. Peter Pan — I’m going to go with the 1953 animated Disney version of Peter Pan because I like cartoons. I prefer antisocial cartoons like South Park, Home Movies, and The Simpsons. Peter Pan and the pirates are all pretty antisocial if you look at it just right though. I mean, Peter Pan is the bad boy who comes to Wendy’s window and tells her never to take on adult responsibilities and the pirate are, well, pirates. I’ve been trying to recall whether my first exposure to the concept of pirates was Pirates of Penzance or Peter Pan, but I’m not sure. It was years before I realized pirates were actually supposed to be kinda scary and badass.

4. The Pirate — No compendium of pirate movies would be complete without at least one full-on musical with lots of dance numbers. In the unimaginatively-named The Pirate, Gene Kelly does the swashbuckling pirate softshoe until Judy Garland’s character falls in love with his pirate self. When I was in junior high, I remember adults talking about what a great dancer Fred Astaire was, but, at least at age eleven or twelve, I thought Gene Kelly was foxier. For bonus kink factor, The Pirate was directed by Vincente Minnelli who was, of course, married to Judy Garland at the time.

5. Hook — I’m including Steven Spielberg’s 1991 What if Peter Pan grew up? movie just because I know most people I hang out with would. Personally I found the movie too dismal to be feel good and not nearly dark enough or nonconformist enough to be tasty on that end of the spectrum.

6. The Ice Pirates — I saw this 1984 masterpiece of bad cinema in college with other members of the Science Fiction Club. I actually was personally responsible for getting my university to give us funds to engage in such activities. I’m willing to hear opinions on other movies featuring space pirates, but I really feel any socially responsible pirate countdown should take the future into account and include, ya know, space pirates. The Ice Pirates includes a smokin’ hot young Anjelica Huston.

7. The Black Pirate aka The Black Buccaneer — If we go all the way back to 1926 and the heyday of Douglas Fairbanks, we finally get some really badass pirate action. Douglas Fairbanks is credited with writing the story for the movie and also playing the eponymous Black Pirate. We think we are so much more debauched and dangerous now, but this 1926 film featured a hero who has to avenge his murdered father and save his leading lady from gang rape and a pirate king. Douglas Fairbanks was one of the founders of United Artists and was largely responsible for spawning the whole genre of films known as swashbucklers. I feel special affection for Douglas Fairbanks because his tomb is spectacular and just down the street from me, so Forrest Black and I have photographed scores of beautiful naked gothic girls by his final resting place. Fun fact to know and share about The Black Pirate is that, when the screen action got hot and heavy, Fairbanks’ wife Mary Pickford was the body double for his movie love interest played by Billie Dove. Also, at the time it came out, The Black Pirate was considered to feature the finest and most impressive swordfight ever captured on celluloid.

8. Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl — I admit this 1954 flick is mostly interesting for its skimpy costuming on its female stars Eva Gabor and Sonia Sorrell. The only thing Sonia Sorrell did after Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl was a bit part in the uber-goth May/December romantic comedy Harold and Maude. Eva Gabor of course went on to do about a billion things and be a superstar and international sex symbol. Anthony Dexter’s Captain William Kidd is assisted by his best mate played by Alan Hale Jr., a former child star who went on to play The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island. I really wanted to justify Gilligan’s Island as a pirate film, but was stymied by it really being a TV series. The Doctor Who Space Pirates serial was eliminated on the same grounds.

9. Captain Blood — In this 1935 masterpiece, Errol Flynn really stamped his flavor indelibly on the swashbuckler genre. As Dr. Peter Blood, he is a maverick who is not afraid to voice unpopular opinions. Seventy some odd years later, some of the religious and political dialog in this movie can still shock. Consequences be damned! Of course, the consequences are that he is enslaved and shipped off to the Caribbean and has to ally himself with pirates and swashbuckle his way to freedom and the heart of Olivia de Havilland’s Arabella Bishop.

10. Pirates — The breakout adult film of 2005 is, if this is even possible, less imaginatively named than the Gene Kelly song and dance vehicle above. In a genre not known for originality, director Joone can be forgiven for a simple title. Porn Valley folks who do mainstream adult video are always talking about how they are going to make a porn movie with actual production values, but almost nobody ever actually does it. Pirates starred Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Janine, Teagan Presley, Devon, Austyn Moore and Jenaveve Jolie. An all-star cast to be sure, but that has been done before. The difference is in the elaborate pirate costumes, lavish scenery and effects, and Joone’s attention to detail and quality in both the nekkid parts and the clothed ones. Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge, the sequel to Pirates, is just about ready for release. As I counted the Pirates of the Caribbean movies as all one entry, it is probably fair to count Pirates and Pirates II as both part of the same entry in the Blue Blood Top 10 Pirate Movies of All Time countdown.

September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so watch pirate films and arrrrrrrr, yo, ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum!