Our finale episode of Game of Thrones opens with Jon Snow tramping out into the enemy’s camp for a parlay. It’s a dour reunion, fermented mare’s milk cocktails notwithstanding, and negotiations are going pretty badly when Stannis and his newly bought army sluice into the woods and start shredding Mance’s Chancers.
Stannis might have sent a fucking raven to Castle Black mentioning he was visiting soon, but of course Stannis is a dick. So negotiations are on hold, but at least everyone has been properly introduced.
Meanwhile at the Red Keep, Pycelle and Qyburn are bickering over the stinking, comatose, poisoned wreckage of The Mountain. Pycelle recommends euthanasia, but Qyburn wants to have some fun first. Cersei, who hates Pycelle’s guts for reasons I don’t recall, gives the OK for whatever ghoulishness Qyburn has in mind. I suppose she feels indebted to Mountie for sealing Tyrion’s fate.
Fresh from this, Cersei goes nose-to-nose with her dad over her impending union with Slow Loras. She’s apparently willing to go nuclear over this, to the point of practically telling Tywin straight up that all her kids should have 11 fingers along with her brother’s eyes. It’s a questionable strategy, but for once she gets the last word in.
That’s got her fired the hell up, apparently. It’s very weird writing about the rekindling of passion between siblings.
And Dany’s morning meeting goes very badly. The current societal re-org is having unintended consequences, and the solutions are problematic. And Drogon is napalming local children.
So until she can find herself a dragon whisperer, Rhaegal and Viserion are getting crated. They hate it, she hates it, but they are going to have to be indoor dragons for the time being.
Up at the wall, they’re burning bodies. Mel approves.
And everyone seems to want to give John Snow shit about Ygritte. In the end he hauls her into the ice zombie-infested woods for a proper burn and cry farewell.
Bran’s D&D group finally finds the tree at the end of their quest, and of course it is guarded by wrathful Harryhausen skellington warriors. Even warging into Hodor can’t get them clear, and Jojen gets gut-stabbed. Luckily the Feral Kid from Road Warrior shows up and starts chucking fireballs.
And she leads them down into Dread Carcosa, where Bran crawls through a pile of skulls to chat with some mysterious chap wrapped up in tree roots. Worst D&D quest ever.
Since nobody at the Eyrie gave a shit that Arya Stark and The Hound showed up on their doorstep, apparently, Pod and Brienne stumble upon them. Since Brienne is unable to do anything but answer questions truthfully, this inexorably leads to a huge bloody swordfight. It gets raw in the end, with nutsack twisting and cunt punting, head butting and ear biting. And finally it comes down to a rock.
Arya sidesteps her rescuers and climbs down to see how the Hound is doing at the bottom of the cliff. He’s a goner, of course, and tries to provoke Arya into putting him out of his misery. She doesn’t bite, even when he finally does beg. In the end she robs him and leaves him for the flies and crows. Frosty.
And Jaime comes to Tyrion’s rescue yet again, with a midnight jailbreak and a ship bound for glory. After a touching farewell, Tyrion takes a side trip to his old chambers in the Tower of the Hand. Whatever he intended to do there is a moot point, since what he does is commit a solid double murder.
It isn’t pretty, but Shae betrayed him viciously, and perjured herself in service of seeing him executed for a crime he did not commit. And she pulled a knife. He had cause in the end, but the fact is that he killed a lover in a jealous rage.
He gets a mulligan on Tywin, as far as I’m concerned. Also, if I was Tyrion, I wouldn’t get into a crate with air holes on Varys’ say-so.
And Arya cashes in Captain Jaquen’s iron coin. And that, my friends, is season 4. Let’s do this again next year.