Our new episode of Game of Thrones begins with Stannis having a meeting with a bank manager. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt sorry for him before.
The director of semi-royal accounts is a smug, icy twat, played to perfection by Mycroft Holmes. He toys with Stannis and shuts him down hard, and insults Davos for good measure. And, Davos being 100 times the friend that Stannis deserves, this leads to a stunning bit of oratory (with visual aids).
And so it is that Davos finds his way to the gratuitous bathhouse of punchline-wrecking whores, dropping gold in the lap of his pirate not-friend.
Across yet another sea, Yara is rallying her Ironborn murder squad by reading out Barry the Bastard’s eviction notice, while we get to watch B the B have noisy choke sex with Girlfriend NITB. The planned rescue goes swimmingly until it comes to actually rescuing Theon, who is so Stockholmed up he can’t be dragged from his kennel. So Yara gets out with maybe 30% casualties on her latest wasted attempt to help her brother.
At least Theon gets a bath. And we get a look at how much knife work went into making Theon the cringing wreckage he is now.
I asked for dragons this ep, and I get Drogon making blackened goat surprise. Which is the first thing in this ep that actually happens in the books, since I’m harping on such things.
From this we go to Office Hours with Dany, who is going to need a shorter standard intro if she’s going to grant 200 audiences per day. Dany’s getting a taste of what administrative responsibility entails, just in case she didn’t miss her biker chick days with the Dothraki quite enough yet.
Since meetings are so exciting, we are treated to the latest version of the Small Council, which effectively consists of Tywin and Varys, with occasional idiocies from Pycelle and Cersei. Bounty on the Hound, spies to Meereen, break for lunch.
And we get a quick one-on-one with Varys and Prince O, who are neatly alike and opposite in many ways. Both are shrewd and intelligent, but driven by very different energies.
On to the meat of the episode: The Trial of Tyrion, which, once the endless honorifics and removal of shackles are done with, quickly degenerates into a litany of damning hearsay, punctuated by death stares and smirks. Tyrion sulks through the testimony of his known enemies (Trant, Pycelle, Cersei). Then his buddy Varys rat-fucks him, and that has to hurt for real.
Jaime stands by and watches in horror as whatever the Westerosi equivalent of a kangaroo is jumps all over his brother. In the interval, he goes to chambers and delivers another stunning bit of oratory, setting up a plea deal with Tywin that sends Tyrion to the Wall and Jaime the hell away from Cersei. Oaths are given, and Jaime advises his client.
And it all goes to hell after the star witness shows up: Fucking Shae, the Whore Scorned. She utters a whole lot of truth and few select lies, and betrays and humiliates Tyrion beyond all endurance. (And hangs Sansa for good measure.)
After that nightmare, Tyrion hulks up and unleashes a whole mess of vitriolic STUNNING FUCKING ORATORY and blows his plea deal to smithereens. He caps it off by demanding a trial by combat, which (potentially) fucks Tywin’s entire game completely.
The reactions? Let’s look at the reaction shots. Marge and Loras: OH CRAP. Shae: This was NOT in the script. Prince O: Oh, now it gets interesting. Jaime: FML FML FML. Cersei: Hmmmmmm… Tyrion: U MAD POP? Tywin: Yes, yes… I am mad… Tyrion: SICK BURN OH YEAH.
And fade to Rains of Castermere. Again.