Recently, while traipsing around the web with malice in my heart, I stumbled across a biological weapon of righteous vengeance. Something that struck fear in the deepest darkest recesses of my consciousness…a veritable doomsday device that is both terrible and awesome to behold; Super Crabs. (This product is apparently real. Someone please order this and report back. Ideally, someone who does not live near me. –Ed.)
Yes, for the low low price of 50$ (FREE SHIPPING!), you too can posses an insane biological weapon guaranteed to make your friends like you more, enemies fear the very utterance of your name, and members of the opposite sex think twice before invoking your wrath. I suggest the “red package”; the SUPER “F-STRAIN” CRABS. When magnified under a high powered microscope, you can see clearly that these are no ordinary crabs.
For one, ordinary crabs don’t carry a Phalanx, wear war-paint, and can usually be killed with a few doses of special shampoo. Not these dudes. F-Strain crabs sprinkle Permethrin on their weed and blow the smoke in your face, taunting you, while they steal your furniture. I saw one take five bullets from a Sig Sauer P220 – AND IT DIDN’T EVEN LOOK UP FROM THE FUCKING CRACK PIPE IT WAS HITTING.
I have conducted extensive experiments on the tenacity of your typical “F Strain” Pediculosis Pubis utilizing the aid of my housemates…er, enthusiastic volunteers. After the eggs hatch, during the first day they come in contact with human skin, the crabs start going to work like a well trained and disciplined team of serial rapists visiting a convention of teenagers with down syndrome. While this is certainly the most hilarious sexually transmitted disease in circulation, a word of caution to those who choose to stay and watch the show: THIS IS AN AREA OF EFFECT WEAPON. Super Crabs are a game the whole family can play…and likely will play *together*, for quite some time.
So…do you have a boss who just scheduled away your Saturday nights for the next four months? How about that guy at work who thought it might be funny to change your listed Facebook sexual preference to “Short-horn Black Hereford Beef Cattle” while you took a well-deserved bathroom break? What about a Florida Pastor who seems insistent on calling international attention to himself by insulting the beliefs of others?
Like the site says; “Make that bitch itch!”