Well, it’s the finale. Finally. Another shit show of a season in the can. Congrats, fellow viewers for not stabbing yourselves in the eyeballs. I know it was especially hard this season, with so much not happening and the ridiculous things that did happen testing all my patience. I really have to question the execs at HBO after this season. Why are you still airing this show!? Can I start a petition to replace it with Hypnotoad? Or a dog licking his butt?
Let’s just get on with it so we can go back to our lives. The all Vamp production of “Hair” continues, with our merry band of biters returning to Billith’s house to celebrate. Everyone’s so stoked to see Sookie, it’s like they forgot how lame she is! Billith has lost is juju and now he’s got the sads and feels bad about pressuring Sook into helping blah blah blah. OH MY GOD SHUT UP. I don’t care!
Sookie tries to renegotiate the contract with Warlow and wants to date first before a dance around the maypole. And that does spectacularly poorly. Why does Warlow bitch slap her? That’s not a good way to start a relationship, guys.
Hey, it’s Pam! And she’s off to find Eric while Tara is her bitchy self. That’s all the Pam we get? Um, not cool.
Oh boy, you guys, this Sookie rescue mission is a mess. And then Grandpa comes back from the Phantom Zone to help kill Warlow.
And then all the vamps lose their daywalker mojo? Including a buck ass naked Eric, quietly reading on a Swedish Fjord. Oh no. Find some shade, Eric, find some shade! Your tiny, cold peen is on fire! Quick jump, cut to…..
Wait, six months later? WHO WROTE THIS FUCKING EPISODE.
I hate this show. What is going on? Alcide is fucking Sookie now, no surprise there. Jason is still with that insane vampire. And now everyone has to take a Hep V blood test. Did they realize that everyone was bored with this Warlow shit so they decided to start the new season in the middle of the finale? Guys. I can’t.
Jesus fucking christ.