Red Wedding: Effing Starks Had It Coming or Duh, a Man-Flayer Always Has Secrets (Warning: Gross Pics & Spoilers)

I’m just going to say it: BEST GOT EP OF THE SEASON. If you are super sad the Red Wedding went how it did, you might not want to keep reading. Also, if you are one of those pussies whinging about how they killed a wolf and a pregnant chick, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW? All the previous killing (including wolf-killing) and raping and torturing and putting magic leeches in personal areas — all that made Game of Thrones the best show on television? But this week’s killing (including wolf-killing) was just over the line and HBO should send you a personal apology???

The internet has been super-pissed about HBO’s Game of Thrones since Sunday. Most families put a lot of unnecessary stress into the whole wedding process. That Walder Frey sure took it to a whole nother level though.

But, seriously, the Starks had it coming. Arya is the only Stark I’ve been able to keep rooting for this season. I liked Ned Stark. Eddard Stark took a sword to the neck because he was a noble and honorable man in an ignoble and dishonorable world. Varys or whoever can argue for pragmatism, but you ultimately just have to respect Ned Stark’s values, even if they didn’t work out for him. Ned Stark’s decency and leadership were so strong that they kept the whole North below the Wall being pretty decent.

Why the North sucks under Robb’s rule: In Ned’s absence, the North has already gone to Hell in a handbasket. Witness the rapey hand-chopping Locke and company. Why the fuck would Roose Bolton and his revolting torturer bastard be put into positions of increasing power in the new Northern regime? The King of the North is going to cozy up to those guys and diss Walder Frey??? WTF? While King Robb is doing such an awesome Art of War job of choosing allies, he should totally send Theon to negotiate with Balon Greyjoy and never once notice how conflicted Theon Greyjoy feels about the whole having-been-raised-as-a-hostage thang. The North is still the good guys, even if their dudes are burning down each other’s strongholds and cutting people’s private parts off, right?

Why Lord Bolton Sucks: The fucking house words for Bolton are “A Flayed Man Has No Secrets.” Guess what the corollary of those house words is: A Man-Flayer Always Has Secrets. Also, what kind of a fucking jerk flays people? What a shock-a-rooni that he also might not be a loyal friend.

Why Walder Frey is Right: Walder Frey doesn’t give a fuck that Robb Stark did not marry one of his daughters. The fact that the supposedly honorable Starks broke a serious oath sworn to Walder Frey, for basically no reason, is an issue. The Freys should be a very powerful family in the North; they have wealth and numbers and military might. It is pretty insulting that the Starks thought it was okay to treat him with contempt and hold him to a less important position because, on average, HIS DAUGHTERS WERE NOT HOT ENOUGH. It seems like all the important guys in Westeros, including honorable Ned Stark, have had mistresses, so marrying someone plain to cement the most important alliance in the realm seems like . . . well it seems like it falls under the job description of King. After they totally screw Walder Frey over, the Starks think they are so superior and righteous that they walk back in and ASK FOR MORE FAVORS??? WTF? Walder Frey also might care that the Twins lies between Winterfell and Casterly Rock. Having helped Winterfell already was a big deal favor, given that he could be attacked from either side. I know King Robb has a map. We saw it on the show. But did Robb and Cat Stark really fucking think that Tywin Lannister didn’t also own a map? Did they think ruthless wily strategist and successful military leader Tywin Lannister didn’t know how to read a map and notice the Twins were important? Maybe reach out to Frey and that flaying dickbag Bolton?

Why Hate the Lannisters?: We are all supposed to hate the Lannisters because atrocities have taken place under their rule and they are meanypants. Babies were torn from the mothers’ arms. And, ya know, after making a deal with Ned Stark, Joffrey executed him anyway. Also, Joffrey thinks it is fun to murder hookers; maybe Joffrey needs to get some Viagra from the Maester. In the book, Joffrey shoots cats a lot too. Etc. Sansa has been held hostage (like Theon, so that’s a wash.) I mean, Tyrion Lannister is awesome and we are rooting for him. One has to sympathize with Cersei, from a feminist perspective, even if she isn’t exactly a nice person. Jaime Lannister is a mixed bag and the whole thing with Brienne spoke well for him. Also, the whole thing with saving Kings Landing from the Mad King. And, poor fucking Tywin Lannister; he is a brilliant strategist and he is surrounded by incompetents. Mostly in the form of the recalcitrant, angry, spoiled and entitled children he failed to raise right.

Actually, all the parents in Westeros seem to do a crap job of raising their kids to have compatible values. Robb Stark might not have kept his word, but Cat Stark sure butchered Walder Frey’s wife, after having sworn on her honor as a Tully and her honor as a Stark. So Eddard and Catelyn Stark were both honorable. Ned died going against his own honorable instincts, but good for Cat, living by what she believed in until her dying blood-spurting breath.

After Cersei told the ominous Rains of Castamere story, one could worry that the powerful family about to be wiped out was the Tyrells (or worse yet Daenerys Stormborn the last of the Targaryens.) So happy it was the Starks’ brain trust. Still love Arya and looking forward to the continuation of her story.

For episode-by-episode coverage of Game of Thrones, you can read the brilliant Will Judy’s recaps at the Game of Thrones tag on this site.

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avatar Posted by on June 4, 2013. Filed under Headline, Popcorn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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