Look, there are people who like “True Blood”. I don’t know who they are, or why exactly, but they MUST exist or this show wouldn’t STILL be on the air. THESE reviews are not for THOSE people. Some kind of schadenfreude compels me to continue watching and writing so let’s settle in for yet another season of boobs, blood and eye rolling.
“True Blood” makes quick work of reminding us how stupid the last season was and even I had forgotten some things. Now that Vampire Bill is a demi-blob or whatever, he’s fast on the trial of Eric and Sookie. The rest of the morons make it out of the compound with Eric pulling up and making space tracks. And then Bill takes to the skies.
I don’t really feel like a whole lot happened in this first episode, they are setting up a bunch of stuff for the rest of the season but none of it is particularly interesting. I feel like I can sense what is going to happen and I’m already bored by it. So let’s just do the highlights and get on with our day.
Enter Governor McBaldFace who rains on the vampire parade by instituting curfew and closing down all vampire businesses. Later, he offers a factory to the True Blood corporation, they’re Japanese of course, to bring revenue back to the great state of Louisiana. My spidey sense tells me he has ulterior motives.
The Furries engage in some cannibalism and ménage à trois. There are boobs and butts, so at least they’re still sticking with that.
We check in with Andy and his multiple faerie babies, who are being helped out by poor Arlene and Terry. Don’t care! Next!
Sam has really terrible luck with the ladies and now Shiva Horseface (I only say that cuz she’s a shifter, not cuz she has a horse face. I happen to really like her horse face) is dead with a kid to spare. Don’t care! Next!
Jason JUST HAPPENS to hitch a ride from our mysterious Mr Warlow. WHAT LUCK! Siiiiiigh. There are threats and yada and Jason is tiresome as all hell.
Then we play “Let’s Kill Bill” but everyone looses, mostly us, the audience. Bill tries to claim he’s cool. No one believes him. Poor Jessica still stands by him tho. Show us your tits!
At least they haven’t killed off Pam, tho her relationship with Tara is killing me by inches. Eric hurt the poor girls feelings and that makes me sad. But the hawt bitch will be fine, I’m sure.
So there you have it. One down, nine to go. Is it even worth doing predictions?