Our new season of Game of Thrones begins with the final unsheathing of Ned Stark’s greatsword Ice, which Tywin Lannister has apparently decided to repurpose as two smaller swords. Sort of like splitting a loft space into two units.
Since that isn’t enough of a symbolic emasculation and erasure for one pre-credit sequence, he also tosses Ned’s cloak onto the coals. So yes, in case anyone forgot, Tywin is an asshole.
Jaime Lannister, shaved and shorn and strapped back into his armor, is getting a taste of the awe that everyone feels for disabled vets. Which is to say, his dad is giving him ceremonial presents and treating him like damaged goods to be shipped home out of sight. Jaime may be short a paw, but he still has his pride and bluster.
Unlike grim-faced Tyrion, who is stuck doing ceremonial meet & greets with hostile wedding guests. And it looks like we don’t get to find out how many Dornishmen it takes to fuck a goat. Oh Bronn, you have been missed. (Pod is huge. Dear god.)
So here’s a guess: The bulk of the gratuitous naked this season will have a Dornish flavor. Fine by me. And it turns out Prince O has some basis for hating the fuck out of some Lannisters. This. Will. End. Well.
Meanwhile, on the road to Mereen, Dany is taking in the view and watching her dragons frolic. Holy crap, I thought Pod had a growth spurt…
Oh, so cute, Drogon thinks he’s still a lap dragon. Until you get between him and supper.
(My wife opines that that you need to be a Warg to control a dragon. Interesting.)
And Grey Worm and Second Daario are engaging in some extramural male bonding and trash talk, which Dany has little time for. Or so it seems.
Back in the capital, Sansa is busy being traumatized and grief-stricken, and Tyrion and Fucking Shae can’t seem to sort out how much they care. Shae can’t seem to reconcile her compassion and her jealousy, and Tyrion is a Lannister.
And Lannisters are enraged and baffled to lunacy by compassion, as we see illustrated by Cersei and her vicious rejection of Jaime, who is probably regretting having bothered to grow as a human being.
And in the camp of Tormund Giantbeard, our dear Ginger is fletching her feelings. And we meet the Thenns, who are some sort of cannibal Borg.
Further north at Castle Black, everyone who hates J. Snowbastard has convened a disciplinary hearing, which is blithely derailed by Maester Aemmon, who seems to think 100,000 wildlings sounds like an actual problem.
And Diana Rigg remains so awesome. And Brienne remains so big.
And Joffrey remains so much of a little turd. His first scene of the new season is a tour de force of sneering ingratitude, presumption, and delusion. Jaime would be well within his rights to pimp slap Joff with that 30lb golden prosthetic of his.
Back in Dany’s storyline, Second Daario is warming up his rap. Remind me to look up blue roses on the David Lynch wiki. Don’t need to look up Chekhov’s poisonous flowers.
And largely pointless scene with Jaime and Brienne, and Sansa has a new friend. And a new necklace. I’m seeing necklaces as a theme here, and it looks… Troubling.
And my new favorite double act, Arya and the Hound, are taking a long trudge up country in search of a ransom for her. And lunch. And Arya spots her castle-forged frogsticker in the belt of the shithead who took it from her. And from this, a gloriously scripted pub brawl was born.
So, we begin with the great unwieldy war sword of House Stark being destroyed. And we end with Arya reclaiming the assassin’s blade Robbo gave her in King’s landing. Plus a pony. I love this season so far.