69 Eyes have released a video for the debut single off their forthcoming Back in Blood album. The video is called Dead Girls are Easy. It is sort of an 80’s sleaze rock video homage where the 7/11 clerk fantasizes about the hot gothic girls who prance through his store in the midnight hour. In his fantasy, the goth chicks turn out to be vampires who take him for a ride in their black as night car (a 70’s boat style Cadillac), gangbang him, and of course turn him into a vampire. Oh yeah, and the 7/11 clerk turns out to have a slammin’ bod hidden under his horrible orange uniform and he looks much hotter under blue light. Really, everyone looks hotter under blue light (See The Matrix, Underworld, and probably around a quarter to a third of my own photographic body of work.) Then the clerk wakes up and is it a dream or isn’t it? Sort of classic rock video/fairytale storyline.

For some reason, the Dead Girls Are Easy video has been released exclusively for Playboy so far. There is (alas) no nudity in the video, so I assume other outlets would have no problem with it.

Dead Girls Are Easy is directed by Bam Margera. I am embarrassed to say I had to do a search on his name, but he is an awfully accomplished guy. Bam Margera is a pro skater who most notably co-created Jackass and appeared as a primary character in Tony Hawk’s Underground video game from Activision.

I feel like I won back some awareness points, however, when I read the Playboy article about the 69 Eyes video and some of the accompanying text read, “The band may be from Helsinki, but their sleaze-rock sound is straight up Hollywood—think GN’R or L.A. Guns plus the cartoon horror of the Misfits. For the lyrics on the new LP, the 69 Eyes drew inspiration from vintage vampire soft-porn classics by directors like Jean Rollin. Their obsessions come to fruition in Bam’s video, an undead spin on the concept of ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man.”” I’m absolutely with them on the Sharp Dressed Man comparison, but, uhm, Hanoi Rock anyone? Hanoi Rocks was incredibly influential on the Hollywood hair metal or sleaze rock or whatever people want to call it this week’s scene. And, yes, Hanoi Rocks originally hailed from Helsinki, although it was the drunk driving death of their drummer Razzle in a car crash with Motley Crue’s Vince Neil at the wheel which most pundits agree kept the band from superstardom. Hanoi Rocks’s lead singer Michael Monroe was so ridiculously hot that I once had a girl at a solo performance rock show he performed try to fist fight me for being closer to the stage than she was. In point of fact, at a time when America is primarily marketing ironically uncool altrock and faux wholesome pop, Scandinavia is keeping the homefires of rock and roll and rockstar incandescence burning properly.

Anyway, 69 Eyes. Dead Girls Are Easy. Vampire gangbang sex.

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.

I was going to edit one of the awesomest exchanges in the very awesome Mike Judge movie Office Space to reflect the fantasy of four vampire chicks at the same time, but I figure you all get the concept.

It has been reported far and wide that the most recent Hello Kitty license deal is with Beck’s Beer. Now Hello Kitty puts their cute characters on a remarkable variety of products. The Hello Kitty vibrator jumps to a lot of pervy minds, but you can also get everything from a Hello Kitty umbrella to an embossed Hello Kitty soup pot to boil your ramen in. So it is plausible that there would also be a Hello Kitty brand beer deal. Beck’s is not my favorite beer, but it is decent and I favor the pilsner of the various Beck’s brews.

Unfortunately there appears to be some evidence that Blingee or a similar online design service was used to mock up art for what appears to be a six plus one of Hello Kitty Beck’s beer. Which is too bad as Hello Kitty branded booze might make an entertaining party favor.

Anybody have any idea whether Hello Kitty beer is a fictional fantasy or an actually available Sanrio item for purchase?

The $1 BlueBlood.com sale is going to be coming to a close in just a few days.

With the inauguration of Barack Obama and the new administration, the world expects the economy to pick up. He could do nothing different and people’s expectations would help the economy. So much of how paper and digital money works has to do with trust and faith.

So we have faith that, pretty soon, everyone is going to be able to afford more than $1 for a BlueBlood VIP membership. There has never been a Blue Blood sale this discounted before, and there very likely never will be again, and this one is almost over.

The site currently featuring tens of thousands of photographs of 387 hotties and counting. From punks who like to smash things to ethereal gothic beauties to fetish deities, Blue Blood features the most stunningly and uniquely beautiful. A battalion of coffee table book and nightclub photographers have contributed to BlueBlood.com. Not to mention erotic fiction from some of the top names in genre writing and just a dab of video. The BlueBlood.com megasite offers excellent value with all the content from the multigirl gothic, punk, and rubber subsidiary sites produced by Blue Blood, as well as the world famous signature couples content, and the erotic fandom science fiction and fantasy content. And your BlueBlood VIP memberships pay to keep BlueBlood.net free.

And right now, you can check all that out for one dollar. Channel your inner Bixby Snyder and say, “I’d buy that for a dollar!” (Robocop references optional.)

So I am just clocking in for a day at the orifice, watching porn movies based on World of Warcraft. There are a group of magical “whores” on a quest to battle an evil darkness spreading through the land. The fantasy quest episodes open with some appropriately mood-setting medievalist-feeling music and then get down to doing battle or doin’ it. A demon directs a threesome. An elf gives a pirate her booty in exchange for something decent to wear. Delightfully, a magic-user, played by Bianca Dagger, makes a special prismatic rock a lil bigger for a lesbian tryst. There is a recurring motif of characters, momentarily befuddled by magic and illusion, coming to their senses and being like, “OMG, what did I just do?” The best of these is when a Paladin, played by Monica Mayhem, suddenly snaps out of it and declares that she would never fuck a barbarian . . . while his splam is still on her face.

I think that these swords and sorcery sex videos would have been perfect viewing material when I was Treasurer of Science Fiction Club in college. The sort of group experience where everybody would have gone around afterward for weeks saying, “I would never fuck a barbarian.” Which would be pretty awesome.

The Whore Lore episodes are directed by Dez and the stories are mostly by Dez and Staci with a screenwriting assist from Marcus London. Marcus London also plays a well-built, tattooed, red-cloaked rough partner for some of the whores. He looked familiar and I figured out that I didn’t recognize him for his 2007 win for Best Oral Sex Scene, but I did recognize him because he played a pornstar in a scene on HBO’s extremely porn-cozy hit Entourage.

As I go through the fantasy episodes, I realize that a bit more is familiar and not just because Forrest Black and I have shot some of the armor worn in various scenes. See, there is this castle in the Hollywood Hills which regularly has pretty notorious after-parties. It is a beautiful space, lots of fun to hang out at, and, if there is a drug you’ve never seen anyone in Los Angeles do before, it is definitely the spot to go to rectify that lack of experience. It is also a very enjoyable place to get into the sorts of intellectual conversations which are not as common in Hollywood as I might prefer. The castle peeps keep telling me I should shoot naked gothic girls there and had told me a lot of porn had been shot there (also part of Spinal Tap!) and I always thought it was odd I had not recognized any. That circumstance has also now been remedied. So about a third of Whore Lore sex scenes take place at a place where I have spent some quality late night time. And actually so have quite a few of the people who appear in Blue Blood pictures and post on the boards.

Suddenly I have a whole new perspective on the Whore Lore repetition of scenarios where people are all wondering what they did and who they slept with. Which is kinda awesome. We’ve got a free Whore Lore photo gallery for your viewing pleasure and I recommend checking out the site for the naughty stuff. But I want you all to know I would never fuck a barbarian. To the best of my recollection.

I’m going to admit that this year, like many Americans, I’ve been too caught up, either following election coverage or avoiding it, to properly celebrate Halloween. Sure, Blue Blood is sponsoring a few Halloween parties, most notably the Release the Bats decade anniversary. And I remembered to freshen up my hair color and play with squash a little. Some years, I get all freaked out about wanting to do too much for Halloween, but this year I haven’t even had my favorite holiday at the front of my brain most of the time. But I’ve been enjoying a bit of vicarious Halloween joy today, checking out the work of people like Dana Dark and Ray Villafane.

More on Dana Dark’s Halloween secrets later, but I want to tell you all about Ray Villafane now. He is an artist who primarily appears to work on sculpture for folks like Sideshow Collectibles and McFarlane Toys. In the unlikely event you are not familiar with those companies, they make collectibles for the horror, science fiction, fantasy, and general monsters and comic books realm.

But, wow, can Ray Villafane sculpt a pumpkin! Some people paint or draw on pumpkins. Most people just scoop out the guts and cut holes for features. I like to make jack o’lantern art at one step remove and have nude models scoop out the guts and cut holes for features. But Ray Villafane turns the pumpkin carving process into real sculptural works of art.

I’m feeling more buoyant about Halloween just thinking about it!

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End — I’m going to count the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy which came out in 2003, 2006, and 2007 as all one entry in the pantheon of greatest pirate flicks of all time. I think most modern pirate enthusiasts like them some swaggering Johnny Depp. Costumer Penny Rose was nominated for numerous awards and won a Saturn Award from the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films, so I think it is fair to say that Pirates of the Caribbean is the biggest influence on current scurvy costuming for events such as tomorrow’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

2. Pirates of Penzance — Next up is the Pirates of Penzance, although it is hard to pick which version. Leap Day plays an important part in this story and Leap Day has been important in my personal life. Plus I think I first learned about pirates when I saw a live production of the Gilbert & Sullivan production in Manhattan. I consulted with my father on which movie version is best because, at summer camp as a kid, he played the part of the boy whose half-deaf nursemaid accidentally apprentices him to a pirate when she is supposed to send him off to learn the pilot trade. Pirate, pilot, anyone could make that mistake. Gilbert & Sullivan operettas are of course intended to be funny, but the D’Oyly Carte G&S company played the roles straight and just allowed the humor of the situation come through. There was also a more recent version featuring Kevin Kline, Linda Rondstadt, and Angela Lansbury. You can go to your Netflix queue and try both the Kline version (either 1980 or 1983) which is played more broadly for laughs and the 1982 version featuring an international cast of Broadway singers, comedians and artists from D’Oyly Carte.

3. Peter Pan — I’m going to go with the 1953 animated Disney version of Peter Pan because I like cartoons. I prefer antisocial cartoons like South Park, Home Movies, and The Simpsons. Peter Pan and the pirates are all pretty antisocial if you look at it just right though. I mean, Peter Pan is the bad boy who comes to Wendy’s window and tells her never to take on adult responsibilities and the pirate are, well, pirates. I’ve been trying to recall whether my first exposure to the concept of pirates was Pirates of Penzance or Peter Pan, but I’m not sure. It was years before I realized pirates were actually supposed to be kinda scary and badass.

4. The Pirate — No compendium of pirate movies would be complete without at least one full-on musical with lots of dance numbers. In the unimaginatively-named The Pirate, Gene Kelly does the swashbuckling pirate softshoe until Judy Garland’s character falls in love with his pirate self. When I was in junior high, I remember adults talking about what a great dancer Fred Astaire was, but, at least at age eleven or twelve, I thought Gene Kelly was foxier. For bonus kink factor, The Pirate was directed by Vincente Minnelli who was, of course, married to Judy Garland at the time.

5. Hook — I’m including Steven Spielberg’s 1991 What if Peter Pan grew up? movie just because I know most people I hang out with would. Personally I found the movie too dismal to be feel good and not nearly dark enough or nonconformist enough to be tasty on that end of the spectrum.

6. The Ice Pirates — I saw this 1984 masterpiece of bad cinema in college with other members of the Science Fiction Club. I actually was personally responsible for getting my university to give us funds to engage in such activities. I’m willing to hear opinions on other movies featuring space pirates, but I really feel any socially responsible pirate countdown should take the future into account and include, ya know, space pirates. The Ice Pirates includes a smokin’ hot young Anjelica Huston.

7. The Black Pirate aka The Black Buccaneer — If we go all the way back to 1926 and the heyday of Douglas Fairbanks, we finally get some really badass pirate action. Douglas Fairbanks is credited with writing the story for the movie and also playing the eponymous Black Pirate. We think we are so much more debauched and dangerous now, but this 1926 film featured a hero who has to avenge his murdered father and save his leading lady from gang rape and a pirate king. Douglas Fairbanks was one of the founders of United Artists and was largely responsible for spawning the whole genre of films known as swashbucklers. I feel special affection for Douglas Fairbanks because his tomb is spectacular and just down the street from me, so Forrest Black and I have photographed scores of beautiful naked gothic girls by his final resting place. Fun fact to know and share about The Black Pirate is that, when the screen action got hot and heavy, Fairbanks’ wife Mary Pickford was the body double for his movie love interest played by Billie Dove. Also, at the time it came out, The Black Pirate was considered to feature the finest and most impressive swordfight ever captured on celluloid.

8. Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl — I admit this 1954 flick is mostly interesting for its skimpy costuming on its female stars Eva Gabor and Sonia Sorrell. The only thing Sonia Sorrell did after Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl was a bit part in the uber-goth May/December romantic comedy Harold and Maude. Eva Gabor of course went on to do about a billion things and be a superstar and international sex symbol. Anthony Dexter’s Captain William Kidd is assisted by his best mate played by Alan Hale Jr., a former child star who went on to play The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island. I really wanted to justify Gilligan’s Island as a pirate film, but was stymied by it really being a TV series. The Doctor Who Space Pirates serial was eliminated on the same grounds.

9. Captain Blood — In this 1935 masterpiece, Errol Flynn really stamped his flavor indelibly on the swashbuckler genre. As Dr. Peter Blood, he is a maverick who is not afraid to voice unpopular opinions. Seventy some odd years later, some of the religious and political dialog in this movie can still shock. Consequences be damned! Of course, the consequences are that he is enslaved and shipped off to the Caribbean and has to ally himself with pirates and swashbuckle his way to freedom and the heart of Olivia de Havilland’s Arabella Bishop.

10. Pirates — The breakout adult film of 2005 is, if this is even possible, less imaginatively named than the Gene Kelly song and dance vehicle above. In a genre not known for originality, director Joone can be forgiven for a simple title. Porn Valley folks who do mainstream adult video are always talking about how they are going to make a porn movie with actual production values, but almost nobody ever actually does it. Pirates starred Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Janine, Teagan Presley, Devon, Austyn Moore and Jenaveve Jolie. An all-star cast to be sure, but that has been done before. The difference is in the elaborate pirate costumes, lavish scenery and effects, and Joone’s attention to detail and quality in both the nekkid parts and the clothed ones. Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge, the sequel to Pirates, is just about ready for release. As I counted the Pirates of the Caribbean movies as all one entry, it is probably fair to count Pirates and Pirates II as both part of the same entry in the Blue Blood Top 10 Pirate Movies of All Time countdown.

September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so watch pirate films and arrrrrrrr, yo, ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum!